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the silence of your screaming heart [entries|friends|calendar]
girl's got a face like murder

[ website | your little nightmare ]
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(3 on the streetlight)

[05 May 2006|10:16pm]
this account will no longer be written in.
i've started over.
comment if you want the new one.

(1 on the streetlight)

[05 May 2006|05:51pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

fuck this.
fuck this.

i'm sick of living at home.
who wants to get a place with me or let me move in with them until i leave FL in a few months?

k, i take it back. i've devised a plan. a good one. and i'm happy now.

and you know what, fine. you're gone.
i dont give a shit anymore.

(on the streetlight)

[04 May 2006|06:52pm]
[ mood | sick ]

so i think it's pretty safe to say, i'm sick. again.
came home from work early and everything.
you know, i remember a time when i NEVER got sick.
then all of a sudden last summer life decided to say "hey, see that girl down there? the one who's finally happy and has all this great shit going for her? yeah, that Savy girl? just for fun, let's throw shit at her". and thus the never ending cycle of illness began. i think in the past year, i've gone a total of 4 months without being sick. it gets old. really quick. granted at least this time i know it's not going to end with hospital stays or surgery. but fuck. seriously. can't a girl just get healthy and stay healthy? i really (and literally) cannot afford to continuously be sick like this. i know i've said this a thousand times, but for real, i'm buying a shitload of vitamins this weekend when i get paid. i'll take them every day. religiously. and they better damn well work. i'm tired of this being sick business.

even though working sucks, it's been getting more fun. i'm becoming better aquainted with everyone and i think it's safe to say i'm making new friends. thank god. not that i don't have friends already. because i have a few of you (whom by the way i love) and a bunch of friends out of state (some of which i really don't know what i'd do without). but i don't know. i've been feeling like i need a change lately. i want to surround myself with new people and pry myself out of the shell i feel like i've been hiding in for the past 7 months. though in my defense, i think my becoming a hermit was legit. those of you who know the situation (because i'm not going to re-hatch it. i've been doing much better off lately keeping it out of sight and out of mind) should back me up on that one.

i need to work on a few things, though. things about myself i'm not quite sure of or happy with. although it's a bit difficult not really knowing what those things i should change are. some of them...i don't know...might not really be all that bad depending on how you look at it? see what i mean? ugh. that's too frustrating to think about when i'm this exhausted. i'm scared of the upcoming week. i have a doctors appointment to get put back on medication. i'm wondering if i'm doing the right thing here. i just keep remembering what happened the last time i tried medication for this shit. and i swear to god if i go through that again... no. i give it a month this time. if i don't see a difference, i'll stop taking it. no more therapy. no more doctors. no more medication. this is the last chance i'm giving any of it. then i'll never speak of it again. doing this is so much harder when there's no one here.

and i wish NY was closer.
i want to take all the maps and rip them up.
i'm sick of distance being in the way of me being happy.
and i'm not just referring to the human connection anymore.
i'd be happier and a lot better off if i could escape this place for a while.
i think these days and nights need to become a lot less longer a hell of a lot faster.

but then again, what do i know?

(on the streetlight)

[04 May 2006|07:41am]
that was the cutest ever.
i was seriously just dreaming (and yes, he was in it) when he IMed me to wake me up.
starting today off with a smile already :)

it's so fucking cold in here.
i wanna go back to bed.

(on the streetlight)

[03 May 2006|11:35pm]
so i've decided to go back on medication.
i'm scared shitless. but, maybe it'll help.
i think i'm gonna go to bed and try to sleep while i'm still in a decent mood.

(on the streetlight)

[03 May 2006|06:41pm]
[ mood | happy ]

so far today is awesome.
i was in a good mood all day.
came home to find my dad had put together and set up my new desk for me.
and at the same time he handed me a package that just so happened to be my new shoes :D
not to mention i looked pretty damn good today.

took a smoke break with one of my friends from work and the cool guy that listens to awesome music (his name is Sam) took one with us. i guess he only smokes if he's really stressed and there was a lot going on today. but it was fun. he's a cool kid. and i got to go out for chinese today with another co-worker. who's also pretty neat.

i hope today stays how it's been.
i dont want to go to bed upset tonight like i have the past few nights.

(on the streetlight)

[02 May 2006|11:36pm]
sus 06 (11:09:12 PM): Love you baby

that's all i needed to hear.

(on the streetlight)

[02 May 2006|09:57pm]
i dont care anymore.
about anything really.
i'm going back on medication probably.
just to take a break from feeling too much about everything lately.

i'd be happier if i was in NY.
i'd be happier if i could be with him.
becuase he makes me happy.
especially when he says things like this:
7:58:43 PM): impossible...you're the greatest ever

i found that i enjoy stabbing styrofoam with big knives.
chuckie made me stop though.
more so than i like punching things. although, i almost got in a fist fight with the wall earlier.
i have a headache. and a backache. i decided it'd be a good idea to drag my new desk from the parking lot into my room all by myself and it weighs more than i do.
not only did it kill my back, but apparently either the box or the desk itself cut my arm in the process of taking it out. and i think i popped a vein. but oh well. i didn't notice either. and i just took some generic ibuprofen shit. strong stuff. maybe it'll relax me too.

(on the streetlight)

[02 May 2006|08:15am]
[ mood | cold ]

sometimes, i wonder why he bothers.
but either way, i'm glad he does.
last night would have been much worse if not for him.

off to another day at work.
not in a great mood yet, but who knows.
maybe today will be fun?

either way, at least i have something to look forward to when i get home.

(on the streetlight)

[01 May 2006|06:40pm]
so being drugged up at work is fun :)
i've been in a great mood. thanks to pills.
i would have been in a horrible mood otherwise.
stupid dreams. stupid people. ugh. but i'm happy.
happy happy happy. yay pills. i should go take some more.
i think i will.

(1 on the streetlight)

[01 May 2006|07:40am]
surveynessCollapse )

(2 on the streetlight)

[30 Apr 2006|10:39am]
alright so it's been a while since i did a picture post of any kind.
but i got my new tattoo last night so i figured this would be a great opportunity for a picture post!
all these have been taken within the past 3 weeks. so they're really recent.

enjoyCollapse )

(on the streetlight)

[29 Apr 2006|11:16pm]
new tattoo. pictures will be up sometime tomorrow.

(on the streetlight)

[28 Apr 2006|11:28pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

so i re-arranged my room tonight.
i like it. definatley needed the change.
also priced my next tattoo, which i'm getting tomorrow.
gonna be 80bucks. for the shooting star to match the one i have.
much cheaper than i was supposed to have paid for the first one, so i'm happy.
also got a new dvd. an Aquabats dvd!!! finally made it out to the new Park Ave Cds location. not bad.

today was a good day :)
now i'm tired.

(on the streetlight)

[28 Apr 2006|08:03am]
[ mood | groggy ]

i had a really fucked up dream last night.
i woke up at 5am thinking i was really crying like i was in my dream.
these dreams need to stop. i'm over it, i shouldn't still be having dreams like that.
i know the reason why i continue to, though.
guess it'll just take time...

79+tax a night. i have to remember that, so i'm writing it in here.
that's how much a hotel in Jamestown is. don't let me forget. doubt i can pay for more than one night, so i'm sure i'll be sleeping in my car a few days. oh well.

i love fridays.
i get to wear comfortable clothes (jeans, tshirt, converse)
i get paid. (Paid. not Laid. though both would be nice.)
get to go to Moe's for lunch. which is always fun.
hopefully tonight i'll get to go out somewhere.
was gonna go to the fair but i sort of dont see that happening.
movies maybe? dont know. we'll see.

time to finish getting ready for work.

(on the streetlight)

and oh yeah... [26 Apr 2006|09:48pm]
here's the track list for the new AFI album. decemberunderground. 06/06/06. cant fuckin wait! i'm already in love with Miss Murder.

Prelude 12/21
Kill Caustic
Miss Murder
Summer Shudder
The Interview
Love Like Winter
The Missing Frame
Kiss and Control
The Killing Lights
Endlessly, She Said

(on the streetlight)

[26 Apr 2006|06:46pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

191 calls today. all while having a horrible headache, feeling like a nervous breakdown and talking to a friend on lastfm via shoutbox all afternoon. damn i'm good.

had a nice talk with my mom on the way home tonight. possibly going back on medication. found out i can skip the re-diagnosis and therapy sessions if i go to my family doctor. i'm not sure if i really want to do that yet, despite the fact i could probably gain from it. i hate that life is the best it's been for me in 7 months and while i'm happy, i'm still always feeling like something's not right. i thought i had this under control. i'm so afraid of things going back to how i used to be...it was a living hell that i thought i'd put behind me. guess you can only go so long before shit starts catching back up to you. i dont know. i think i'll wait a week or two, see if i'm feeling any better and if not, at least give medication an honest second attempt before i swear it off forever. i'm just sick of stupid shit bothering me when there's no reason for it. i'm sick of waking up in the morning wishing i could stay in bed and forget the world exists sometimes.

anyhow, i might have re-figured my path for this summer. i think i'm going to mix up the order in which i originally planned on visiting people. if seth is able to go with me, here's what the new order is possibly going to be:

stop at Coley's on the way to Vermont. spend friday and friday night with her. leave early Saturday morning (not as much time as i had planned, but there are a couple things that i really want to do on this trip and i might not be able to accomplish it otherwise. besides, i'll be living up north soon anyhow which will give me much more time to spend with her) and drive up to Vermont. stay until Monday morning. leave early Monday morning and head over to Janine's in Highland Mills. spend a day/night there. leave sometime on Tuesday. i'm debating if i want to backtrack and just visit Scott in Ohio first. stay a day/night there, then spend the rest of my time in Jamestown with Chuckie. if i do it that way, it's more time i get to spend with him and i can possibly go see AFI. which i REALLY REALLY want to go see. then from there we can just drive home. yeah, i think i might do it that way. then i get everything i want to do/see done. i have a few extra days i can spend. my parents are coming back on a thursday/friday i think. i dont want to come back until Sunday night. i want the few extra days. get back sometime Sunday evening, probably go right to sleep unless i sleep in the car and wake up for work Monday morning. i should get in touch with everyone and see if that works for them. i feel bad cutting time with people short, but...it's AFI. and i think that's the only way i can make it work. besides, like i said, i'll be moving up there soon anyhow.

Larry called me last night. havent heard from him since he left almost 2 months ago. he's considering moving to NY with me. says he's running out of reasons to stay in Chicago but hates FL as badly as i do. i really hope he goes through with it. wether or not i have a place to stay, i'm still moving. but it'd be nice to know i have someone who can for sure get a place with me and whatnot. plus it'd make my parents feel a lot better about me leaving as well.

life's looking great right now.
as soon as i can shake this pit of helplessness i'm in, i think it'd be safe to say i absolutely love life.

(on the streetlight)

[25 Apr 2006|08:45pm]
i just had the worst foot cramp i've ever experienced in my life.
just thought you all should know.

(on the streetlight)

[24 Apr 2006|06:51pm]
i'm amazed i lasted all day at work.
i missed my bed.

(on the streetlight)

[24 Apr 2006|07:57am]
[ mood | tired ]

ended up not falling asleep until almost 3am.
have to be at work in half an hour.
thank god for hot showers.

gauged my ears last night around 1am.
back at a 2 now. i think next i'll throw in some 0's and call it quits.
i hope work doesnt get pissed about it.
i'll just leave my hair over my ears to cover it up or something.
shouldnt be a big deal really.

and i'm in love with the new AFI song.
finally got it dled.
cant wait for it to come out. probably gonna pre-order it online.
yeah. i think i'll do that.

alright, i'm out.

(on the streetlight)

[24 Apr 2006|01:02am]
fuck i should be sleeping.
but i cant.

(on the streetlight)

[23 Apr 2006|01:50pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

i love having money.
i can bribe anyone to take me anywhere.
it's so nice. :)

off to walmart i go. need a new webcam. i lost mine.
maybe a new cd or movie while i'm there. we'll see.

(on the streetlight)

survey from Coleyyyy [23 Apr 2006|01:10am]
[ mood | giddy ]

Name: Savy
Siblings: one
Brothers: none
Sisters: one
Eye color: hazel-green
Shoe size: 6 1/2
Height: 5ft 4inches
Innie or Outie: Innie
What are you wearing right now?: blue plaid pj pants and my mad caddies tank top
Where do you live: FL. for now. i'm moving in a few months.
Righty or lefty: Righty

Number: 3, 13, 33
Boys Name: no clue
Girls Name: again, no clue.
Drink: dr pepper, sprite, arizona green tea
Month: December
Juice: apple
Breakfast: waffles!! :D
Have You Ever..
Smoked: yes
Gone skinny dipping: no
Broken a bone: Nope
Played Truth or Dare: Yes
Been in a police car: No
Been on a plane: Yes
Came close to dying: once or twice
Been in a sauna: No
Been in a hot tub: Yes
Swam in the ocean: Yes
Fallen asleep in school: Yes
Broken someone's heart: probably.
Cried when someone died: mhm.
Cried in school: Yes
Fell off your chair: Yes
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Yes
Saved AIM conversation: Yes
Saved e-mails: Yes
Made out with just a friend: Yep
Been cheated on: too many times.
What is beside you: on my left i have a small dresser i keep my laptop on. on the right is a couple pillows, the bunny i sleep with and my remote controls.
What is the last thing you ate: chicken strips from TGI Fridays
Ever Had...
Chicken pox: Yes
Stiches: yep
Do You...
Believe in love at first sight: Not love. attraction yes. love takes time.
Like picnics: i love picnics :)
Like school: me and school never really got along too well...
Who was the last person you called: Chuckie :D
Who was the last person you danced with: psh. i dont even remember the last time i danced.
Who makes you smile: Chuckie, my sister, Coley.
Did you last yell at: i dont remember actually.
Broke your heart: the ex. but i'm over it now. i can officailly say i've moved on :D
Last told you they loved you? Chuckie <3
more Questions:
What are you listening to right now: watching Sin City
What did you do yesterday: went to the movies
Ever hated someone in your family: Yes
What car do you wish to have: a peice of shit saturn
Where do you want to get married: anywhere. but i've always pictured the beach or mountains.
Good driver: haha. all my friends drive crazy.
Good singer: Beckie
Diamond or pearl: i dont care. i'm not big on expensive jewlery.
Are you the oldest?: Yes
Indoor or outdoor: depends on my mood.
Today did you...
Talk to someone you love: mhmm :)
Buy something: food.
Get sick: No
Talked to an ex: nope.
Last person who....
Was in your bed? me
Saw you cry: no one.
Made you cry: Myself
Went to the movies with: Seth
You went to the mall with: Seth
The answer to life. uhm...
Ever been in a fight with your pet: noo
Been to Mexico: No.
Been to Canada: yes
Been to Puerto Rico: No
Been to Germany: No
Been to Serbia: No
Been to Romania: No!
Been to Holland: No
Been to Japan: No
Been to Greece: No
Do you have a crush on someone: Yes <3
What books are you reading now: none.
Best feeling in the world: the feeling i have right now :)
Future kids names: no idea.
Where you see yourself in 5 years: uhm. right now, no idea. out of FL.
What's under your bed: nothing. maybe some random crap. idk. i dont look under my bed.
Favorite sport to watch: winter x-games. only sports i'll watch.
Favorite location?: i don't know yet. bet i'll find out this summer...
Piercing/Tattoos: 3 in each ear. i'm re-piercing either my eyebrow, lip or both. one tat so far. on my right shoulderblade. shooting star with my name in it.
What are you most scared of right now: nothing really.
Who do you really hate? i dont hate anyone anymore.
Do you have a job?: yep.
Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with?: probably.
Are you lonely right now: eh, i'm wishing i was somewhere else with someone in particular...
Song thats stuck in your head right now: mistakes we knew we were making by Mae. i havent even listened to it today...
Have you ever played strip poker: No.
Have you ever gotten beat up: yeah
Have you ever been in a mosh-pit: Yes.
Ever liked someone but thought they'd never noticed you?: mhm
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?: eyes, smiles.
Have you ever cried for no reason?: Yes
Are you too shy to ask someone out?: depends.
Hugs or kisses?: Both
Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?: butter :D
Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car?: i prefer cars. i like the scenery.
How many pillows do you sleep with?: haha, a lot. like, 5-6ish i think. and a stuffed animal.

(on the streetlight)

[22 Apr 2006|11:35pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

tonight's been so great. i went to TGI Fridays with my sister. i really only wanted the loaded potato skins. but i took her out to eat (partly because i wanted TGI Fridays for like 2 weeks now) cuz her birthday is next week and i dont know what to get her. so it was like, our weekly lunch/dinner/hangout and her birthday present all in one. it was quite pleasant. :)

and omfg. my sister and coley are fucking amazing.

my sister: "i saw the statue of liberty in FL once. only it moved and sometimes it was a black guy". lmfao.

so i was talking to Coley on the phone tonight, and we decided this summer if she gets to go on my road trip with me, we're only allowed to bring/wear one outfit to save room in the car since we'll have to sleep in the car a few nights. but we're packing the backseat with batteries and deoderant. then, as we dont need them, we're going to just toss them out the window at random cars and see how many windshields we can hit. and when we get to the houses we're visiting, we're gonna reak so bad they're gonna make us shower at their house and wear their clothes just to get the smell away. lmfao. then they'll go tell their friends that they met some really smelly, crazy girls (cuz they will have seen the backseat of the car by then with all the batteries and such which will completely defeat the purpose of only bringing/wearing one outfit to save room) that they never want to see/smell again. it's going to be totally amazing.

oh! and i might get to see AFI!!!! i'm in such a good mood tonight. i'm so fuckin excited. i wish it was July RIGHT NOW!

(on the streetlight)

[22 Apr 2006|12:46am]
[ mood | happy ]

so savy's a happy girl today.
saw Silent Hill tonight. creepy but fucking awesome.
that's the first time i've been to the theatre since Chronicals Of Narnia.
it was nice to get out again.

my laptop's working again. finally.
onlyCollapse )

13:24 PM): i love you

:) he makes me smile like whoa.

(on the streetlight)

[21 Apr 2006|07:45am]
so here's how today's lookin.

work till 5.
seth picks me up from work.
go deposit/cash my check.
go out to eat/movie whatever we finally decide on. i owe him.
come here, try to get my laptop working.
and hopefully talk to pengy for a little before i fall asleep. ♥ ♥

right now, i'm going to eat and get ready for work.
i woke up in a good mood this morning and i'm hoping it stays.

(on the streetlight)

[20 Apr 2006|07:10pm]
[ mood | loved ]

off to a rocky start this morning, but my day has greatly improved since then.
i got chinese for lunch (first time i've had lunch all week)
160 calls.
incredibly cute conversation.

tomorrow's payday. then i'm goin to get a new adapter for my laptop and hope that fixes everything.
and sometime this weekend i intend to go eat at TGI Fridays. because i have money and i want to.

and have i mentioned i love feeling loved? :D

(on the streetlight)

[20 Apr 2006|07:36am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i love hearing the words "i miss you".
and "i love you" for that matter.
this boy makes me smile like whoa.
4 months seems like such a long time.
but i know the wait will be so worth it.

(5 on the streetlight)

[19 Apr 2006|07:44pm]
[ mood | pissed the fuck off ]

so i finally got my laptop back.
no idea if the net works yet, because i can't find my linksys disc to re-install it.
seeing as they took EVERYTHING off my fucking computer.
8months worth of my life; music, movies, programs, pictures....fucking GONE.
so now i get to spend all night tearing my room apart looking for the linksys.
then i get to hope to god the net works (otherwise, there will be a large hole in my wall created by my fist).
and this weekend, instead of trying to find someone who wants to go to the beach, i'll be at home, putting everything i had back onto my computer.
fucking perfect.

oh, and if you're going to be a smartass with your response to this, save it.
i'm really not in the mood.

(2 on the streetlight)

[18 Apr 2006|10:07pm]
for the love of fucking god.
all i want to do is go to a show.
jesus christ.

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